My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
You Might Also Like
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.