My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.