My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.