My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.