My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Stop being racist to kettles.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child