My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda