My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
We could have had frying pans with radios connected to them.
But, no, instead we have all this!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
The Friday File.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Covert ops
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.