My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Isn’t
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…