My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Xylophonist Shredding It
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.