My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
You Might Also Like
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Banana is the quietest snack
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT