My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.