Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese