My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
what?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty