Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?