Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

#Caturday

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.

It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

me: anything interesting happen today?

my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.