Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Name this drama.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*