My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
“and how does that make you feel?”
