My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
🤣🤣🤣
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
happy halloween
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”