Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

im gay on my mothers side

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

how do y’all walk in shallow water

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…