my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥