my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Not all heroes wear capes…
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat