Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Fiction has to make sense.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

🤣

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

I put the I in Insufferable.

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

Beauty and the Beast

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.