Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Wikigenius

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

concern

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.