Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”

Dragons: what does it do?

Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.

Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?

There are hundreds.