My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

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*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em


[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit


My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”


*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.


[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?


*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*


This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.


“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy


[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees