My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.