Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.