My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec