My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
my fav colour is also hitler
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell