My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.