My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
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Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.