My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Unexpected Judgment
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”