My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The game has officially changed 😎
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]