My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind