My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
just witnessed a drug deal
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.