Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products