Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

Me irl

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

This is Sparta

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok