My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal