My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?