My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now