My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
This is the best one I’ve seen
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call