Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

OH. COME. ON.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.