Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

good let them take over I have had enough

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

Posting this on behalf of a friend

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.