My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Same pineapple, same
Just grow your own
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.