Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Sharon, call the vet

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

🙂🐾

Me: I don’t think I belong

Therapist: Do you think you be short?

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

William: where have you all been

Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone