My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.