My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
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A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out