My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
