My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
You Might Also Like
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.