My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.