My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today