my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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put ‘er there pardner!
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Delightful if true: booby trap.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.