Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse

🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse

🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Someone just threatened to call me later

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

So can we start calling them Traylor now?