my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
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Great Canadian literature.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.