My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Good morning.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
You better watch out
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
✌🏽
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control