My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
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We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
no regrets
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*has no idea what a book even is*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.