Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

Smallpox sounds so adorable

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

I bet birds love this building.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

what are they serving at kfc then???

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

A customer told me they were never coming back….