My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
You sure about that?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.