My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
You Might Also Like
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
wait a minute….
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
how to market bottled water to dads
