My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.