GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
absolutely not
My dad teaching me to drive
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil