My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I try
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.