My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.