My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same