Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Wow 🤣

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?