My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Baking is just science you can eat.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
HOW DARE YOU
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.