My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH