Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

new record!

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

I need to get some bricks…

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

waiter: “anything to drink?”

4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”

So, yeah, they’re always listening.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

Ape together strong

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.