My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.