My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
You Might Also Like
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over